


Troubles of a Slick-Haired Marauder

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-26
Updated: 2006-03-26
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: OneShot for the challenge V Cycle "Had I but Known..." James Potter learns the consequences of mumbling.





	Troubles of a Slick-Haired Marauder

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**A/N:** This One Shot was written for Cycle V of the Scrivenshaft Challenge, and I’d love to hear what you guys think about it. Remember to review! I’ll never improve if I don’t hear what you guys have to say; even if it sucks. Please&Thanks.

**& hearts**

“Had I but known that every kiss does not, inevitably, begin with Kay, I never would have gone through all the trouble to nick Professor McGonagall’s finest emerald necklace.”

“Ah… I take it she said no?”

“She said a bit more than ‘no,’ mate, but that was the gist of it.”

James Potter entered the Gryffindor Common Room in a state of panic on the eve of January 7th. He was dressed in his finest, meaning cleanest, school robes; his charmingly misplaced hair enhanced with a little of Ackerly’s Permanent Hold Styling Potion. He threw the gold box he was holding on the floor with a dramatic flourish. The necklace lay showcased on the floor. 

James’ best friend, Sirius Black, picked up the jewelry and examined it closely. “It was a good try. I would have been thrilled, if it were me.”

Ignoring the very strange orientation of this sentence, James shrugged. “Apparently Miss Evans would beg to differ.”

“Come on, Prongs, maybe you just hit her on a bad night…”

“Maybe, but she was the one who ended up doing all the hitting.”

Sirius snorted very unflatteringly. “Did she, now?”

“Well, I caught her coming out of the Great Hall with all her friends. I probably should’ve realized it would go wrong when Liz told me how excited she is for tomorrow…”

“In front of Lily?” Sirius asked, astonished.

“Yeah! I know!” James exclaimed defensively.

“What a slut…” Sirius mumbled.

“So, anyways, that happened. Then, I asked Evans for a word, gave her the box; she opened it, blah blah… I end up slapped across the face in front of all those people!”

“Women,” Sirius said, shaking his head, “I’ll _never_ understand them.”

“What do I do?” James asked, hopelessly running his hand through his hair.

“I think its time to pull out our ‘A’ game, mate.”

“You mean, ask Remus?” James asked, sitting down next to Sirius on the couch.

“Nah, tell her you love her.”

James looked to be considering this. “I’ll tell her I love her, _and then_ give her the necklace!”

“Brilliant,” Sirius said, settling back into the couch comfortably, looking truly proud of himself.

“I’ll do it tomorrow, after Potions. Lily loves Potions, so she’ll be in a good mood.”

* * *

The next day, James put minimal effort into his actual potion, and if it wasn’t for Remus, would’ve probably poisoned the entire class. 

“What is with you today, Prongs?” Remus hissed into his ear. 

“Nothing…” James replied, not hiding the fact that his eyes were following Lily as she got up to get another ingredient from the cabinet.

“Well, quite watching ‘nothing’ and pay attention! I’ve got enough to do today without having to make sure you don’t fail this class!”

James gave Remus a ‘look’, and bent down to work, thoughts running through his head.

_Will Lily hit me again when I try to give her the necklace? What’ll I do if she says she loves me back? What if she doesn’t take me seriously? Do I actually love her? Look at her over there, she looks really pretty today. Why won’t she bloody go out with me? I’m good-looking, aren’t I?_

“Prongs!” Sirius hissed at him, interrupting his thoughts. James looked around; the bell had rung, and all of his peers were getting up and leaving the dungeon. 

James whipped his head around, his eyes frantically searching for Lily. Like a lion would attack its prey, James leapt from his seat and rushed over to Lily. 

“Evans!” He called as she was about to exit from the classroom, chatting with all of her friends. At the sound of her name, she stopped, sighed, and then turned around.

“Did you want something?” Her beautiful cherry lips moved, and James heard nothing, captivated by the amount of emotion surging through something.

“You…” he mumbled. 

Lily either couldn’t understand him, or chose to pretend she couldn’t. “Sorry, what?”

“You,” James said, more clearly this time.

“Me…?”

James racked his brain. He was losing her attention, she was going to leave in a few moments if he couldn’t think of anything to say. “I- I- I love you!”

Lily’s striking face screwed up as she forced herself not to laugh. “You love me?”

“Yes, Lily Anne Evans, I love you.” James said, putting the old charm on.

“Right…well, if that’s all…” Lily turned to leave, obviously embarrassed as her cheeks were flushed red. 

James panicked. He didn’t know what to do. He thrust his hand into his pocket and pulled out the same box he had tried to offer the green-eyed red head the night before. “Lily…” James followed her into the corridor, calling her name. It called for drastic measures. “Lily, will you marry me?!”

She stopped dead in her tracks and whirled around, this time looking obviously annoyed. “James, bloody hell, what are you trying to…” Her eyes fell on the necklace. “do.”

“I, uh-“ James walked over to her, not sure what to say. _When in doubt, mumble_. Following his own advice, James began talking. “Lily you’re beautiful, I just wanted… You don’t have to take. I dunno, I just. We’d have a nice life… Our babies’d be pretty, y’know? I just really love you… I think… I mean yeah, I do. Sirius told me I did. I dunno, maybe the fumes from Potions. You were so pretty, especially next to Slughorn. I don’t want Snape to… I dunno I just…”

“James, what in Merlin’s beard are you saying?” Lily asked, her eyes flashing warning signs.

Not wanting to make the scene any worse, James continued mumbling. “I’m just saying, talking, going on – whatever you’d like to call it- because you’re beautiful, and I’m all, I dunno..”

Lily made a frustrated noise, said “Forget it,” and walked away, considerably more red and tense than she had looked previous to her latest James-Experience. 

James watched her go, his stomach in knots. He blew it… once again… 

* * *

For the rest of the day, James had to put up with the taunting of the other students. People who had witnessed the scene he’d created had spread James’ fluent words around school faster than a lightning could strike the ground. The pit in his stomach only tightened when he thought of Lily also being followed around her afternoon classes by “Going to make some pretty babies with Potter tonight, Evans?” 

January 7th was not going his way at all. As he climbed into his four-poster bed that night, he was anxious to sleep off the problems of that day. He hadn’t gone on his date with Liz, despite Remus constantly telling him he should. He didn’t think Liz would expect him to show up after the day he had just had. It’d be inconsiderate of her to expect anything from him after what he went through.

“Rejected for the third day in a row,” He said to himself as he settled into the covers. “James Potter, you are losing your touch.”

As sleep was about to take him, something red caught his eye on the wall. James leaned forward and saw a bunch of quotes, reminders, and sayings he had etched in the wall throughout his seven years at Hogwarts. One, circled in red, made him laugh. 

_When In Doubt, Mumble_

He grabbed a quill on his nightstand. The saying was intended to mean when dealing with teachers or Filch or even the Headmaster. After today, it seemed obsolete. James crossed it out, hoping he never mumbled another word in front of Lily Evans as long as he lived. 


End file.
